I just checked my calendar from last year and today, September 23, 2008, it is exactly one year to the day since I arrived in Rochester. I’ve changed a lot.

I just went back and re-read my posts from last September to now. Time capsule journeys always seem to highlight major themes and guess what? (Cliche!) This one was no different.

There’s a lot personal reflection I do in public – which is a habit formed through a variety of circumstances – and I won’t saddle the world with it just now. What I do want to leave with you is a thought that emerged from this reflection:

A wheel is essentially two circles: a hub and an edge. One cannot function without the other and the two must be connected. The hub supplies the power and the edge applies the power to the road.

While you can turn an edge and move the wheel, it is much harder to control and sustain. Working the circles from the inside out makes the whole machine more efficient.

If I had to pick a major theme from my look back, it would be discovering the process of aligning the wheel properly. I am reminded of C.S. Lewis’ words “Further up, further in!” in The Last Battle. The wheel is more like a wheel than it was before. And it will continue to refine and become more like a wheel the more I try to keep those two circles working together.

Metaphors are wonderful things.

The last few weeks have been a lot of fun and a major learning experience for me. Spending the year training with PUSH has lent a whole new dimension to the training. There’s also the part where I’m a staff member now, not a student. I got to teach a couple classes and spent some time reconnecting with the teacher side of myself outside of the studio.

Life, however, was not without balance. On Friday, July 18th my mother called me around 8:45 am to tell me that my grandmother, Leona Lowery had quietly passed away earlier that morning. So, for the past week I have been under an extra load of emotional stress on top of the normal intense training schedule.

Wednesday, I traveled back to Mississippi to attend the services for my grandmother. The burial service was on Thursday and today (Friday) I am sitting in the Jackson airport getting ready to fly back to Rochester. I wish I could have stayed longer, but the balancing act work and necessity are always performing draws me up north again.

So, I got to see my family and was able to finally let my grandmother go. She had been struggling with dementia and other health issues for years and had been spiraling down from assisted living to nursing homes for about two years. Always an independent woman, she remained just lucid enough to realize her situation but could do nothing to fix it, although she tried mightily.

My dad’s parents were the only grandparents I ever knew. My grandfather died in 1994 when I was 10, but I adopted his love of the stage and performing. It was my grandfather who took me to my first ‘theater’ – the circus – which probably explains my current profession more thoroughly than anything else.

My grandmother lived a life of service. She altered her career path when she met my grandfather so she could follow him across the country as he worked. She earned degrees back in the 1930′s and 40′s that would probably equal a doctorate in education today and dedicated the rest of her life to her family and students.

As her oldest grandchild, I ended up having long conversations with her about education and life, learning far too much about my dad’s life in the process. My interests as I grew up began to both merge and simultaneously diverge from her own. I was interested in ministry and in the state of the world, but I took a more expressive than practical path towards those interests. But even though she didn’t always understand what I was doing, she supported me through it. I have my grandparents, and my grandmother specifically, to thank for putting me through college debt-free and allowing me to pursue my career as it now exists.

I could wax more eloquent, but time restrains me. My flight is boarding momentarily and I will soon dive back into my daily routines and familiar faces. I feel like that’s the way my grandmother lived, though. She was the one just behind, who would do anything she could to help but wouldn’t step into the limelight to do it. I feel a strange emptiness without her now, but I have to push on with life. To do any less would dishonor her work in me.

So I had a sadly unexpected return home, but I’m glad her suffering is over. And I remember that the important thing should be that I knew her at all. Having known my grandmother was a blessing that I will treasure for the rest of my life.

The boarding call is nigh. I hope my grandmother’s recent flight was just as pleasant.

Introduction
I want to toss up a draft of some thoughts I’m working on. I recently read a book called Planet Narnia by Dr Michael Ward, which I highly recommend. The book dealt with a theory on a hidden, but central, theme embedded in C.S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia – the use of medieval astrological bodies in the creation of the individual stories.

I won’t go into detail about that theory. If you want more, read the book. It’s great. What I am after is a particular concept that Dr. Ward clarified in the opening arguments for his theory. The concept was described from one of C.S. Lewis’ writings on his own creative process. Lewis took the image of a dark shed with a beam of light shining in through a gap above the door and gave two methods of artistic engagement.

The first method Lewis called ‘looking at the beam’ which Dr Ward labels more succinctly as ‘contemplative’ engagement. ‘Contemplation’ regards the idea of the audience (reader in Lewis’ case) looking at the artistic creation as an object. The audience sees the beam of light and engages it as a beam of light.

The second method described by Lewis is what concerns me, primarily. ‘Looking along the beam’ is further streamlined by Dr Ward as ‘donegality’ – this word refers to a particular beach in England for reasons found in the book. ‘Donegality’ or ‘looking along the beam’ takes the audience inside the ray of light so he can see the landscape behind the gap in the doorframe. This takes the focus from the light itself (which is now invisible to the audience) and places the focus on a completely separate object, the landscape.

The Translation
The ‘contemplative’ thought will occupy the conscious mind for the main part. This is where the audience will say, “Oh! I get it, he’s running!” or “I see, she is jealous.” The contemplative moments are mathematical, they feed into one another to produce a result. This is the forward action of a scene or play: the plot.

The ‘donegal’ aspect is harder to define. I re-wrote a post from several months ago as a poem in an attempt to describe this:

The Ocean Flies

The sky flattens out to meet the trees
The rain falls hard enough to hear
Thunderous joy as drops find bliss

Hurricane unwound, blind and toothless
Descending, only searching for a bed
Titanic breeze adrift on a sea of land

Colossus of clouds, waning, still immense
This storm brings the ocean,
On wings of warm winds

My feet drown in flooded grass
I face the single cloud that covers the sky
Taste salt far from its home, miles away.

Art fails in every way
A thing is too much to capture
I cannot pin the sky, nor corner a cloud

Although still I try… am compelled!
The deluge pervades, pressing
What cannot be held

There are stories to tell,
Emotions to evoke,
Always Experience beckons
With a stronger cord.

So ‘donegality’ is the created frame through which a work of art is viewed. It is also the channel which controls the general trend of audience response. In this poem, word choice and structure are some of my donegal elements. Making the transition to the stage requires that we find the corresponding elements between the two art forms.

———To Be Continued!———

Part 2 deals with some practical translation terms and how this idea takes shape in another medium.

By the way, Dr. Ward gets a huge send up for being personable (read: ‘cool’) enough to email me when I linked his book on my reading list. I made sure to link the book and his website this time.

Whew. Oct 2nd to June 10th. Crazy times.

Don’t worry, I won’t get all sappy and do a year recap in this post. I’m not a huge fan of soliloquizing in any case. (This does make blogging difficult at times…)

The thought that comes to mind is actually a line from the musical Rent.
How do you measure a year in the life of friends?

Not much of a line, but it speaks to the idea of counting time in something other than minutes and seconds.

Some results from that train of thought:

• Friendships gained – I have a lot of friends up here who I value very highly.
• Friendships left – physical proximity is a huge barrier. I’ve also firmly put most of my college friendships in the ‘past’ category – not all by any means, just most.
• Career growth- instead of constantly creating the method and means to go forward, I spent this year learning and following others.
• Personal growth – always hard to define, but I definitely have made some marked improvements (I think) in the manner and style by which I encounter the world. In particular I feel like I’ve filled in a lot of the gaps in my life that constantly left me on shaky ground.
• Etc… – it’s hard, nay!, Impossible! to name everything that changed over so many months. Here’s to the ‘Unknown Detail’ upon this Mars Hill (I’m currently on ‘Walnut Hill’, but I don’t think that makes for as clear an allusion).

The occasion on which I’m feeling so reflective is that today was my final day in the studio for this season. I think we (PUSH) noticed this coming up a few weeks ago and then didn’t think any more on the subject until it was under our feet and gone. Combine this with the residual experiences from my excursion back to Jackson two weeks ago (!) and I went all thoughtful and introspective.

The final note for this go-around has to do with that oh-so-clever segue about my trip to Jackson… alright, it was just a normal segue – but at least I made it somewhat ironic!

*Ahem* The segue was SUPPOSED to mention how I felt like that trip put an endcap on my experience here. With all the maturing and changing I’ve experienced, going home felt like I was trying to act like another person. I wasn’t, but the general expectations from people who haven’t seen much of me for almost a year were disconcerting.

However, it was kinda cool how I was able to meet my family and good friends at a new place. It was good to remember who I’ve been and then find ways to pick out elements of that to reincorporate into who I am now. I wish I had more time to process those things with everyone back home, but alas this was not to be.

Oh well, that will be for next time.

Now, for an updated reading list!

What I’m Reading Now:
Planet Narnia: The Seven Heavens in the Imagination of C. S. Lewis by Michael Ward

On the Shelf:
The Necessity of Theater by Paul Woodruf
The Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster

Yeah. I said I was nuts.

I’d sleep if I could, but it just isn’t coming. Too many nights staying up until 2 AM this week I guess. I wish I could say I did something productive with the extra time, but that’s just not true. I played video games.

I tried to figure out where this urge to while away my hours with mind numbing activity came from, which is another pastime that eats up the day. Success is not, in this case, its own reward. But, success it was none-the-less.

Short answer: I’m processing. ‘Processing what?’ you might ask. Good question.

I think I’m letting a part of my brain adapt itself to a new mode of thinking. This actually happens a good bit when I’m under constant pressure. Pressure is a molding force: it warps a given shape into a new shape, usually along the lines of the force that is applied. You can mold clay, you can mold plastic, and you can mold a person. Maybe ‘training’ would be a better word, but I’ve got a metaphor and I’m not afraid to use it!

With the many forces shaping me, I’ve had to actively train my thought process to adapt. What I’m processing now is actually more ‘absorption’ than anything else. The clay has largely been molded to its new shape and now it’s settling. Instead of straining to hold the old form, the clay is beginning to rest in the new shape.

So, I needed to turn my brain off for a while in order to begin accepting on an unconscious level what I’ve been choosing on a conscious level. This is very important to me since I do the majority of my conceptual thinking on intuitive levels of consciousness. The re-working/settling requires a kind of mental and personal exhaustion that I tend to gain from non-human interaction. A.k.a. video games.

Well, gotta get up in oh, an hour. Verbal finger painting on the Internet. Love it.

All of these topics will be relating to the general theme of ‘what’s next?’, reflecting the general trends I see in culture and the arts.

The Themes (da-da-da-dum…)

• 
  Politics: One of the Big Three taboo subjects that are always talked about, I want to take a look at what we’re learning from the incredibly extended presidential race and some recent state elections as well. This post will end with a segment that ties very closely to my next topic…
• 
  Religion: Number two in the taboo category. In a similar vein to politics, I’m going to take a look at some of the general movements that are happening among my peers and in Christian leadership. There are some not-so-surprising-but-still-surprising ideas that are cropping up more and more. Specifically, I want to examine some of the things that relate Christianity to the changing of generations and cultural backlash.
• 
  Art: Skipping to something a little less taboo, but no less awkward than the traditional third topic. There are couple things I want to relate that I’ve been learning/identifying for the past few months. Particularly in regard to how the transition from student to professional is taking place. Also, I want to mention a few points of a growing movement that is simmering behind the tatters of postmodernism.
• 
  Bringing it all together: This is actually what is prompting the whole themed posting idea. I’ve been seeing some unifying themes between these various subjects lately. There is a lot that I want start to identify where these three things intersect and how they are reflecting a general change in culture and social interactions.

Whew. I think I just jumped in way over my head, but I’m determined to go out kicking.

One final note. None of the ideas I will be expressing are gospel truth to me (well, aside from THE Gospel). I not only welcome comments on all of the above topics, but I want to go ahead and ask for them. You’ll see why in my bit on politics.

Well, here’s hoping I finish these sometime before the Second Coming.

To begin, I would like to start by offering you a podcast. I’ve recently begun listening to all sorts of NPR productions and I’m loving it. If you can stand to listen to something besides your current favorite band, give these guys a listen.

A Favorite Story

This American Life is a particular favorite of mine. In short: it’s amazing. An hour-long broadcast of stories, some fiction, most true that are just great listens. I’m posting a broadcast this show did on a prison putting on Act V of Hamlet.

Here’s a short description.

That’s right. A medium-security prison performing Hamlet. It’s real.

I won’t go into details of the show because it must be heard. Succinctly put, this is like a real life version of ‘Oh, Brother Where Art Thou?’ only with Shakespeare.

I couldn’t manage to work things so you could play the podcast here, but you’re only two clicks away if you go to the show’s website and look for the ‘full episode’ link down the left side of the description.

Pure awesomeness set aside, it’s a great thought-stirrer for those artsy/theatrical thinkers out there.

Pure awesomeness added back on, it’s a great thought-stirrer plus awesomeness. It’s a killer whale!

I was talking to a friend the other day, catching up and what not, when I said something off-hand that made me pause. I told this friend that I had turned my life upside down in the last month – which is true in a lot of ways:

I now go north to find large bodies of water. Rooms in my house are on top of each other rather than beside. I switched from being a director to a student. I put aside grand schemes of revolution for an attitude of acceptance and learning.

Off-hand comments, are of course most dangerous when they articulate the brewing, unconscious themes of life. I didn’t realize until that moment that I had upended a great many of the constants in my life. I simply thought I was entering into a new season, adding on to the old.

Addition is still occurring, I haven’t abandoned all the previous years of my life in one fell swoop. But what is happening is a sort of death and resurrection process.

The Process

A lot of what has been upended lately has been my particular struggle betweenNeed and Want. Let me elaborate.

While I think it is a great thing to be needed, I am finding that it is a greater thing to be wanted. Transitioning from one to the other is a somewhat traumatic experience, however.

Need forces a person to play Atlas – to shoulder the world and balance it on your shoulders. I am used to being an Atlas, but not because I really wanted to. Some people enjoy maintaining things, but I like to see a further goal. The reason I have been so willing to play at Atlas was because I would always see the step beyond the status quo; the step where existence turns into purpose.

The trouble with playing at Atlas is that it is impossible. You are either carrying the world, or you aren’t. In becoming a central pillar in everything I did, I continually took out my ability to move forward. I became a juggling Atlas with lots of great things that were constantly falling apart if I removed myself from them.

It’s been a long process learning to recognize that trait and to move into a different role.

The Result(ing Process)

I have allowed myself to need a great many things: a sense of purpose, respect, community, etc. But what I have never allowed myself to want or to be wanted. If somebody wanted me, I very quickly altered that desire into a need -a.k.a. they needed me to fill a role.

What that does is crush any freedom that might be present. Everything is burden to be borne, not an opportunity to be seized. I become Atlas once again.

So, I have finally begun to make the switch. The first step was getting into something (and somewhere) that didn’t need me. I can contribute and play a part, but I can’t even begin the process of becoming Atlas because that role is already filled.

Withdrawing from a central role to a supporting one has allowed me to begin the process of working toward that next step. I can begin to manipulate the world as carried by Atlas. I can help get things straightened up, I can nudge the world from one place to the next, all sorts of things.

It’s counter-intuitive for me to think of a ‘mover and shaker’ in the world as someone with a light touch and small presence. I have assumed all my life that greatness requires the ability to enforce your will upon the world; that I had to have a grand vision and then hoist it above everything else in order to be seen.

The Counter-Atlas

It is a great freedom to be able to move without the weight of personal responsibility on my shoulders. This isn’t to say that I’m not responsible anymore, it’s just that my responsibilities are no longer things that are necessities. I can fulfill obligations and help push things along without the need to constantly re-balance the entire equation because I am part of the balance, not the fulcrum.

It’s complete reverse from the way I’ve worked for most of my life. It’s a freedom to move without the great burden of an entire system weighing down on my back.

The trick is taking that first leap of faith…

The Cyclic Viewpoint

Chad takes a look at movements in the arts from a cyclical perspective. Specifically, he uses a ‘redemption cycle’ analogy that compares the philosophical underpinnings of art and culture to other cycles in man’s history. His view is that we are going to see a change in these areas that amounts to ‘putting the pieces back together’.

Adding to what Chad has already put forth, I would like to point out that the cycle he mentions is not without precedent. Although we are in a ‘postmodern’ world currently, similar views have been held by previous cultures – most notably the Romans. One has only to compare the mechanics behind ‘American Idol’ the gladiator arenas to see how similar our two civilizations are.

The fact that a thousand years separates the Roman existentialism from the modern version should clue us in to the fact that there must be a change following. Unfortunately for us, the change for the Romans was the decline of their civilization and the wild Middle Ages.

A Different Outcome

While I don’t think it is possible for a second period of the ‘Dark Ages’ to occur today, I do see the potential for our culture’s ruin. Again historical similarities point out the corollary between the Germanic tribes to the radical Islamists.

So, what does this have to do with Chad’s ideas? Simple. Chad puts forth the option of redemption vs ruin. In a way unlike the Romans, we have the opportunity to put our ‘broken vase’ of postmodernism back together. This is not to say that we will recreate a classical ideal. However, we can create a new set of standards that address the shortcomings of postmodern assumptions.

The Challenge

The challenge I want to lay down is to forge ahead. The problems are too easily seen to be ignored, and postmodernism has given us an enormous boon for the next step: research.

We can view postmodernists’ work as a huge archive of experience and knowledge – they tried almost everything. Some of it worked, some didn’t but all of it can inform our construction of the next step. I don’t pretend to know what that next step will be, but I can say we have taken the preliminary steps toward this ‘fusion’ of postmodern discoveries.

The trick is to build that step one person at a time. Each individual, whether they are aware of their postmodern heritage or not, is capable of finding common ground – empathy if nothing else. My personal art form is built upon creating hybrid techniques, and I am not a singular example of cross-training.

So find that common ground. How can you glue people together?

The funny thing about the whole situation was the perspective switch that we went through. It’s not as if we were completely different people who had to re-work our relationship, but I could tell there was a subtle dynamic shift.

For several months now I have been straining to make the transition from a “student of art” to “professional artist”. That may seem simple, but the switch is impossible for about 90% of my peers (how many BFA’s work at Starbucks?). After living through the last year, I can very easily see why. I found it’s not so much the hectic times that kill the dreams, it’s the dead zones in between that stymie us the most. It’s a hard road to travel but I think I’m beginning to turn the corner.

I’ve loved the few weeks I’ve been working with PUSH. If there’s one thing I have been challenged by more than anything else, it’s the lifestyle choices they make. I have learned so much by just watching these people work. I came out of school with a great many ideas about how the professional artist works – great ideas with no connection to daily activities. It was a painful and slow process learning about that gap.

Now I get to see the actions up close. For example: grant-writing was always a concept that made sense to me, but was out of reach in practical sense. I had no idea what process was used to get from zero to step one. Today, I not only got to sit in on a first contact meeting, but I am also getting advice and supervision as I write the grant in question.

There are so many things constantly ‘popping’. Mostly, they’re little things like a reaction or word choice, but they make all the difference. I can see so much of what I needed to learn occurring right in front of me every day. It’s these actions that separates the “student” from the “professional”. In short, a lifestyle of choices.

The challenge before me is to absorb this lifestyle. I believe this is already happening – in large part because I made a conscious choice to leave what I had and work with PUSH. I think this is what made my old friendships seem a little different. It’s still me that people see, but choices have been made, attitudes have changed, and the person has grown. New eyes taking a look at old friendships and vice versa.